There's something to be said about toxic people.
There's something else to be said about toxic people you're related to.
Did I ever think a broken A.C would lead to so much bullshit? No, but I should have known better. I should have known that when people look at you as if you're some sort of gnat that landed on their already bruised peach you're just another thing to look after, to blame. To kick when they're down.
No one in my family will ever read this. This would require them caring about my feelings. Now don't get me wrong, thanks to the way we are biologically made I am forced to love my family. I will even venture to say they are deep down, very good people.
They are not good for me.
I don't mean to whine...well no, actually, I do. Because fuck it, I need to get this out.
Due to some construction on the house, I got my A.C broken. Now, I had paid for this A.C myself, and it was a really nice one, with tax ran me about $300. I had been TOLD that my cousin was planning on buying me an new one. Told by my mother. So I figure, well, it sucks right now but I could use the cash right now more than the A.C. Maybe I can negotiate on my rent? (yes, I pay rent to my family) I actually just later on asked for $150 to maybe buy myself a dehumidifier that would help my room overall as well as the house.
I am somehow now a terrible human being.
My cousin is apparently still holding a grudge for me not buying his mom a B-day card (in my defense, I had gotten home from filming at 3 A.M and the last time I gave her a card she used the envelope of it to leave me a rent due notice). I get it, I should have gotten her a card. But to bring this up in a separate issue 3 WEEKS later, is ridiculous and petty. I could have looked past that. I told him if he was so offended I didn't want his money at all. He then threw in my face, about how many times he had paid for me when the family goes out.
...OK. I make less than a sixth of what he makes. But that is beside the point.
I have always, and always will, offer to put in something. I even do this on first dates. Because I LIKE to do it. It makes me feel good.
However, the point of generosity is to do it without wanting praise or recognition. That is the essence of a good deed.
I don't appreciate someone of better economic standing, rubbing in my face the gifts they've given me. I don't appreciate a family who stood idly by while this same man called me a cunt, and told me I would never amount to anything and no one would ever love me accusing me of extortion. I don't appreciate living in a place where I don't feel emotionally safe or even valued.
Too many people have toxic families and society forces them to feel guilty about cutting them out. It doesn't have to be as dramatic as being beaten. Some people are just not good to constantly be around, regardless of them being bad or good people. I love my family. I would die for them, truly. I have cried many nights because of nightmares of losing any of them.
I don't appreciate being called selfish, or uncaring.
Because seriously guys, I think you can all tell I care way too fucking much.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
It has to be a mark of getting older when you start preferring seasons based on the drinks associated with them.
I'm an Oktoberfest kind of gal.
Very few things fill me with as visceral a reaction as the tastes and smells of fall do. Pumpkin, nutmeg (which I don't even really like) cinnamon, spice, dead leaves and chocolate and butterscotch. It fills me with hope. Winter is nothing I fear anymore, just the price you pay for the glorious 2 months of hoodie and pea coat weather.
Fall also means more coverage. Which, if you're a female, doesn't exactly solve the problem of being objectified or disrespected. I don't just speak for myself, but for all women who get hit on disgustingly even while wearing a bubble jacket. But I'm here to talk about a different kind of shaming today, which I myself am guilty of doing.
I'm talking about looking at someone who is perfect to us, and shame them for complaining about a body feauture. I've done it in regards to several celebrities,
Sometimes with friends. And it has happened to me as well as countless others.
We shame people for seeming perfect and as if they have everything since the beginning of time. We shame rich people for being unhappy, we shame people in relationships for feeling lonely. We shame military vets for questioning their choices. We shame we shame we shame.
Why? Who are we to judge what it feels like to wake up as them? Granted, some people take many things for granted but that is human nature. It is how it will always be. My mother has a saying "god gives bread to those who don't have teeth", because the hardest lesson to learn is the lesson of gratitude. It is usually accompanied by a lot of broken skin and hearts and pure pain. It takes loss to feel gratitude.
Fall reminds me of the time I used to have to get up earlier to keep a watch out for my sister's school bus. It reminds me of my first therapy session. It reminds me of the time I watched the lion king next to my sister's hospital bed and crying because I knew what Simba felt like. It reminds me of bullies and dread and it reminds me of eventual death.
But the hope outweighs it all.