Friday, July 25, 2014

Of Nemo and Toilets

There are two types of people in this world: People who see the futility behind toilet seat covers and those who refuse to see the truth.

There are also other types of people: People who assume a server doesn't mind waiting while they read the menu, and those who realize this is a dick thing to do.

Last night, in what was supposed to be a FUN dinner, I contemplated smashing everyone I'm related to in the face with a hammer. I would never do this, but I admit imagining it felt good.

First implication of the evening being a stressful one, I ask my family if they want to eat at Bareburger since they keep wanting "organic" food. They inform me they didn't like that place. We end up at Bareburger, because this is the place they were talking about all along. But of course, I can't be right.

Next, I ask my mother what she wants: A turkey Burger.
Okay, I say. What on it?

Turkey Burger.

...It's like dealing with a five year old. She always does this, she'll just tell the server after assuring us she's thought about what she wants despite barely reading the menu that she wants "Chicken". This means the poor server has to wait and speak with her another 5-10 minutes as she makes up her mind and actually reads the menu, while I look for a rock to crawl under.

While ordering a pretty specific and large amount of food, I am constantly being interrupted and the server is being accused of being wrong and reminded of things she has already noted. I am an actor (sort of), I know server speak you assholes.

I am informed I ordered a bad beer, and that it isn't cold enough.  Granted, tap beer is warmer.  However, this is the same exact beer my cousin ordered for them last time we went and they all said they liked. Amazing how that works.

Finally, there's an issue with the check because the server either miscounted our cash or my Aunt did, because my card is overcharged. While I am speaking with the server on how I will take care of MY MONEY, and making sure I give her all my CORRECT INFORMATION, my family is pestering me to explain whatever I'm doing. In spanish. While the server is still there.

When I inform them that she has other tables and I don't like speaking of personal matters in front of wait staff, I am accused of putting others above my family members.

I snapped. I told them that "You have no clue what it's like to be a server. Stop being so self centered, and let me worry about my fucking money".  I'm now a monster.

I really hate this idea of family obligation that I find is extremely prevalent in Hispanic and Latin culture.  We are born needing and "loving" our mothers because we have to in order to survive. At least, we used to.  Our parents also feel the natural urge to shelter and care for us because it helps the survival of the species.  This is terrible in some cases because, honestly, most people I know shouldn't be parents. I mean please, please, please next time use a condom.

It's ridiculous to me that I have to feel manipulated and made to feel irrational guilt by a group of people who claim they do it out of love, even if with the best of intentions.  I am nearing 25 (google calendar reminded me of my own birthday) and I'm ready to choose my own family. Whether that means a husband or maybe just dogs the rest of my life, that is my choice.  I owe you nothing. You  are EXPECTED to take care of a child. If you don't, then you are a horrible human being that goes to jail. It is in the nature of having children; you don't get thanked. If you're looking for appreciation, you've chosen the wrong life path.  After they can fend for themselves, your job is done.

If you try and hold them too close and too long, those little baby bird wings get mangled, and then they end up like me.  The Nemo of the bird world, trying to fly away with only one wing.

-Grace #Adulting

Monday, July 21, 2014

Hangxiety And Considerate Drug Addicts

Sometimes, when I'm really anxious or really depressed I won't eat because then I can just focus on feeling hungry instead.  I tried to do this exact same thing this morning, but instead I ate some apricots. Because apricots are awesome.

I'm still hungry, and still anxious, but now they are both an even feeling so I am naming it: Hangxiety. I will stop talking about this, because A) I have realized that telling people too much never ends well, and B) It makes me sound really crazy.

So here I am, sitting here and feeling hangxious. And apathetic, because I have had a combined total of 18 hours of sleep since Friday because of filming the movie I'm in, Vermilion. I had to take the train at 4 a.m on Saturday to get to Philly on time, so here is an account of my train ride from the Bronx to Penn Station.

4 A.M, car 1: Pretty quiet, there's a homeless dude but he's not the super smelly kind and so maybe he's sane enough to be a witness in case anyone stabs me. Speckled with a few other people, including two sleepy young men.

4:10 A.M, car 1: After falling asleep for a few minutes, I hear a commotion and the sound of something somewhere between a liquid and a solid spilling.  Turns out, the sleepy young men were not really sleepy, just shitfaced. And now puking. Glad he was sitting up.  But really dude, where are you partying this hard in the Bronx?

4:13 A.M, car 2: I'm exhausted, upset, and generally miserable. I get stuck on a car with a bunch of loud, screaming, idiotic men that are yelling in very strident voices, probably about how they are general burdens on society and probably were born because their mom's couldn't afford birth control. Guy next to me is very very red.

4:16 A.M, car 2: Guy next to me is even redder. He's started saying some non-sensical things. I look to the two cars surrounding me and it's either puke car or the one that I'm pretty sure I just saw a homeless man pee into. I'm stuck.

4:22 A.M, car 2: Guy next to me is probably on Meth. He's started yelling at the air and at me, but assuring me he'll be fine once he reaches his stop. That's considerate I guess.

4:30 A.M, car ...well,train 2: I switch to the express train to escape them all, only to be followed by the gang of parakeets.  I am too tired to even be angry, and I resign to a miserable existence for this morning, and hope they all die a very early and painful death. Preferably by alcohol poisoning.

Once at Penn, I met up with another cast member. He's strapped for cash due to some bad circumstances and so I buy his ticket. I feel like a terrible person, because instead of feeling like I really helped someone I feel taken advantage of. How terrible of a person must I be, in order to feel like I'm being duped when I help someone out?

I kind of don't want to live on this planet anymore. I think I'd do better on a different one.

-Grace #Adulting