Happiness: Flawed Coping Mechanism

Last night I had a nightmare that ended with me being in a broken pool full of people and once the pool broke, they all crushed me to death since it was on a slope.

Needless to say, I'm a little droopy. But today is also my boyfriend and I's one year anniversary, and I'm happy. But equal parts nervous.

I have never had a relationship outside of this one last this long, that was not long distance.  I have mulled over why not over and over in my head for years but could only assume I either had terrible taste, terrible timing, and a troubled mind.  And now, today, I finally have met a milestone various friends have both equally reached and surpassed various times with ease.

I don't want reaching a milestone in a relationship to be my biggest accomplishment. I think I'm afraid that I'm becoming dependent, or that I'll lose a part of myself now the more time I invest. My boyfriend has the more dominant persona, and that's fine because it's one of the things I like about him, but I fear my own persona being lessened because I get too involved.  With other men, it's always been baffling to me when I've finally mustered up the chutzpah to confront them about their poor treatment and they scatter like waves rather than engage or fight for me. Or disagree. Maybe I was the only one with balls to call them out on being terrible people.

I made the mistake of dating a younger guy last time. In my defense, he looked 30 (Russian men are strange that way) and had no idea his age until AFTER I had started liking him. So there's my justification. I still feel like a creeper.

Anyhoo, we started to date and it was so nice because he was so innocent. Seriously, I was probably his first real girlfriend (and first in a lot of other things, HIGH FIVE BRO) and it was nice. For a while. And then 3 months in, things changed.

For one, most of his friends (a select few are very nice and people I keep some contact with) are real douchebags. Actually, that word doesn't even capture the amount of terrible that runs through their veins, as one of his friends once beat the shit out of a girl for no reason other than she tried to step in front of him while he was beating up her boyfriend.  These are the people he hung out with, a lot.

So much so, that once I got a second job and he got a job, he would rather play football with them (and guys, it was MARCH) than hang out with me.  I don't think he ever even took me out to dinner in the whole 5 months we dated. And on Valentine's Day, I was fed up.  I had picked something out for us to do that was relatively inexpensive (yes, I PLANNED MY OWN ROMANTIC DAY) and bought him a card and soem chocolates he liked.  He calls me the night before and asks if we can go see Die Hard, because he spent all his money shopping for clothes and taking his parents out to dinner the day before Valentine's Day.

Normally that would be very sweet, but the poor timing was ridiculous. So we compromised on seeing warm bodies, I dressed up even. He didn't notice. I paid for my own halal food and movie ticket. We saw the movie, he left. I went to the thing I wanted to go to. I cried on the way home because I felt so undervalued  and foolish for investing so much time and effort into someone who would never, EVER appreciate it.

And how do I know he'll never appreciate it? Because a week after our "nice" breakup, he starts telling people I'm a huge slut and that he humped me and posts a bunch of articles about how you shouldn't date sluts.

This, people, is why I don't want to live on this planet sometimes. Because I know there are millions of people who have had this and WORSE happen to them. And they should all eat a bunch of

But then, sometimes something good comes along. And then, you realize you might be the one to fuck it up and be the only one to really feel the loss if you do, because that's the way of the world.

I feel better after getting all of that out. It's really terrifying to be this in love with someone, but also really rewarding.

I'm very lucky.

-Grace #Adulting

Of Farts And Birds

So my boyfriend is a pain in the ass, and thinks I need to post something every fucking hour.

I mean I have a job, that I do stuff at. Like, grown up stuff. A lot.

Ok, maybe I don't do much at work, but still. It's the principle of the matter.

So while commuting to work today I got bitch slapped by a bird. I was just walking to the train, jamming out to some Miley when all of a sudden I feel a FWAP against my skull.  I stop, very perplexed...and then it happens again and I see this fucking asshole bird fly up and start following me along the fence.  After checking myself for birdshit on my nice shirt, I ran away. NYC birds are assholes.

Anyway, this got me thinking about the idea of aggression vs. assertiveness. Also about my feelings for NYC, and how as I get older I get the urge to branch out a bit.  I am not overly assertive. At all. I've been likened to a doormat.  I may look all tough with my boxing gloves and F-bombs, but at heart I'm a softie and I just want to be everyone's friend.  But in this city it's all a rat race; you can't get anywhere without throwing some elbows, and quite honestly I don't know the first thing about tapping into that side of myself. It was there a long time ago, but its been squashed for so long I don't even know if it can be revived.

I love NYC, I love the hustle and bustle, the energy, the convenience, the abundance and the variety of options it has. I'm very fortunate to inherit my residence here, my parents sacrificed everything to come here 32 years ago. But lately, I've been feeling the depression that comes from not making enough to move out, the lack of breathing room, the constantly being pushed aside simply because someone else has bigger elbows.  I want green and ocean and a lifestyle that I don't have to haul ass in order to even stay afloat.

But then, today I'm taking the elevator back up to work and a very professional looking man lets out a wet fart, and says "ooh!" and I'm reminded of the very heart of NYC: a sick, assholish sense of humor.

And I laughed.

-Grace #Adulting